Breastfeeding Leper

I had this grand idea that for national breastfeeding awareness week (if it still exists without the funding), I would publish a blog post every day on the subject. Then I remembered I barely find time to post once a month at the moment so I forgot the idea.

However, I thought I'd try for at least one post. But there is so much to discuss about breastfeeding as it's such an emotive subject, so I thought I'd take a different angle, to show that we breastfeeders sometimes feel excluded and despised too.

Now don't get me wrong, I am a confident breastfeeder. I don't feel the need to hide away and will happily breastfeed in a coffee shop, restaurant, well, wherever I need to really. But there have been times when I haven't found it so easy.

For example, when Felix was still tiny and I was trying to find my feet, getting used to being at home and having to find friends to spend my days with (either that or never speak to another adult ever again!), I went along to a local baby group. At first the breast/bottle divide was about 50-50. After the first couple of sessions though, I don't remember seeing anyone else breastfeeding. The plastic chairs (think school hall) were set out in a circle in the middle of the room. So there was no opportunity for discretion, and there was no way of making yourself comfortable. Nobody spoke to me whilst I was feeding either. I felt ostracised from the group, like an intruder with a disgusting habit.

I believe I gave the group one more chance after this. Nothing any worse happened but I felt no real desire to attend again. I went on a mission to find other breastfeeding mums to befriend and thankfully my antenatal class members came good (they weren't an obvious first choice as we were sent to an NCT group the other side of the city and we only made it to one class before Mr Premature decided to enter the world).

My point is, that it's often the formula-feeders that feel the breastfeeders look down on them, pity them or criticise them. It happens to breastfeeders too y'know. Nicknames like the Breastapo come from our need to display confidence in our decision to breastfeed. It's a defence mechanism to any negativity we may feel.

I think our own inner feelings of guilt or insecurity can make us imagine other people's prejudice in these situations. I know formula feeders who never even considered breastfeeding and are more than confident in their decision. They don't feel belittled by me and I don't feel embarrassed about breastfeeding in their presence.

How about you? Breastfeeders: did you ever feel excluded by the bottle-feeders? Formula mums: have you ever felt pity for or judgemental about another mums decision to breastfeed?

Thick and Creamy

Ladies and Gentlemen, please be advised that the nappy consistency has changed. I repeat, the nappy consistency has changed.

Oh my. In fact, that particular nappy was much like the parsnip and apple that I have just pureed to a smooth mush.

The change in nappy contents, was one of many reasons that I was not looking forward to beginning weaning. Alas, it is not considered polite for a child to go on being exclusively breastfed into adulthood, nor is it healthy for the child. So I suppose weaning must commence.

And so it did, last week. Along with the increase in laundry, there was a noticeable increase in my stress levels too. I had forgotten quite how little I had enjoyed weaning my eldest. Could this be to blame for his picky eating now he is nearly 3?

I will not let this happen again. Just in case it was to blame. And so, when I sit down to introduce the baby's palate to a world of new flavours, I will take a deep breath, I will relax my shoulders and I will NOT let the mess annoy me. I will put out of mind that this will be his third outfit change of the day and I will allow my own hands and clothes to be wiped, spat and dribbled on.

I will not get cross when his hands or his bib find their way into his mouth instead of the spoon and I will smile and sing merrily (not at all through gritted teeth) to regain his attention when he non-chalantly gazes out of the window or arches his back in frustration. When a fully loaded spoon is knocked flying from my hand, I shall laugh in the face of the cleaning cloth. Food will be fun. And mummy will be calm.

Spoons at the ready. Let the culinary battle commence.

I wish I was pregnant

We are finally beginning to make some progress with the whole sleep thing. I feel human enough to do something with my time other than mope about, even if my past two attempts at an early night (as sleeping from 8pm-1am would mean a WHOLE FIVE HOURS sleep in one go!!!) haven't exactly resulted in more sleep. Stupid brain won't switch off.

For those others of you, desperately searching for the answer to that baby-nighttime-sleep problem, it's simple. Go on a holiday in the UK that involves a loooong drive. Baby sleeps in car, baby has proper daytime sleep, ergo baby sleeps at night. Oh, and a big cot is helpful for a baby who can roll so they can sleep in whatEVER position they choose.

In the meantime, I got to thinking about how NOT being pregnant anymore really sucks. Don't get me wrong, I do NOT want another baby (not right now anyway thanks), but there are elements of pregnancy that make life sooo much easier...

Like my hair not falling out - I swear, I emptied a FULL fistful of hair into the bin after my shower this morning. It was disgusting. And think how much I must have missed in the past month which is now currently residing in the plughole, soon to completely block up the bath!

And what's with my hair getting all greasy? During pregnancy I could easily skip the shampoo for one day. Now, it's like I have a big sign on my forehead and a siren screeching "not washed, not washed".

Breastfeeding is commonly known as ample excuse to continue "eating for two" long after the birth of your child... but I have to say I've noticed the weight gain and have concluded that it is time to stop that fourth meal of the day when Felix has his tea. Eating his leftovers is ok though, right?

Not carrying round a big old bump means you lose a lot of people's sympathy too. No-one offers to carry things anymore or make me drinks. I'm not expected to need to sleep at any given opportunity or need help around the house. But the truth is, your body doesn't return to normal (what is normal?) that quickly, and whether it's first, second or (I'm sure) subsequent child, it's a shock to the system that takes more than a couple of months to adjust to. It's a whole new life again.

And the best thing about being pregnant... no periods OR contraception. I'm very happy to still be period-free (oh breastfeeding - you ARE my friend), but did not enjoy having a doctor messing around inside me again, even if it does mean I can now forget about contraception for five years. Next time, it's the male pill. Let's see how he likes it.

A Day Off

I hadn't appreciated how much I needed some time off. But I felt SO good today at rehearsal with my choir, The Chanterelles.

I almost didn't make it. I was supposed to be there yesterday as well, but after being completely knocked off my feet this week when I developed mastitis (more of that another day), I wasn't sure I'd be up to it. And more importantly, I didn't think taking time away from the baby, missing up to 3 breastfeeds each day, would be the best idea. Really.

But our conductor contacted me last night and said she'd love to see me today, even if I needed to bring baby along. Personally, I think I'm THAT great a singer that she just needed my vocal input!!

So I packed Elliot up and we had a fantastic day. Even though he was there with me, it was like having time off from parenting (I suppose that means that Felix is the challenging one). And as I walked back through the front door feeling totally refreshed, I realised that I'd been parenting alone all day every day for the preceding 12 days (excluding yesterday). No wonder I needed a break!

A Biting Chance

This afternoon, Elliot and I (Felix was at nursery sticking tissue paper to a tree) went to visit a heavily pregnant friend. She's pregnant with her first child and is due to give birth next week. AND she lives within walking distance of our house - VERY exciting.

Whilst we were there, Elliot had a feed. Within this annoyingly short (5 minutes) breastfeed, he managed to suck his way off my nipple (stretching it as far away from my breast as possible) twice and bite me once. What an excellent advertisement we made for breastfeeding.

Thankfully, she knows my first child was better behaved.

Post-natal Treats

A little while ago I blogged about the things I was looking forward to post-birth. I forgot a couple of minor points.

Number 5 on the list, I was sceptical about. I mentioned that I was looking forward to a good night's sleep... but of course it wasn't likely to happen with a newborn baby in the room. Thankfully, I had at least one good night's sleep in the week leading up to the birth... so I guess that's going to have to last me for a while.

What I had specifically forgotten is that there's a tendency to sleep a little lighter with a baby in the room. I'm always conscious of keeping one ear on alert. And as this baby has been particularly keen on sleeping in mummy's arms, there have been a few nights of having to remain conscious enough not to move in my sleep. Which resulted in some early day serious sleep deprivation.

The other, arguably worse, point that I was completely foolish to forget was number 6. I was looking forward to cuddling the toddler without worrying about him kicking me in the bump. Well, as worrying as that was, it wasn't anywhere near as painful as him giving me a good squeeze around the chest now. My poor swollen bosom.

It's not just at cuddle time that I have to fear for my mammories, he likes to kiss his little brother often and has a tendency to 'lean' on mummy in order to reach. OUCH!

As for the rest of the list though, I can happily say I have completed every item on it and most enjoyed the boiled egg, brie and grape baguette and the laying flat on my back. It certainly helps with the chronic shoulder ache!

Baby Blues

So many posts to write and so little time...

I had the baby. Did you notice? I was on twitter (@InceyWinceyMum) from waters breaking on Friday evening until I was rushed onto the labour ward at 6.15pm on Saturday 4th December. Elliot was born just 45 minutes later and InceyDaddy had taken a photo and posted it for me 5 minutes later.

But we'll cover the birth story later. If I don't talk about the here and now, NOW, I'll miss out on it entirely. And there is SO much going on here and now as anyone who's ever been a new parent will understand.

Well the 4th day baby blues really kicked in yesterday. I think I got them on day 3 last time. But I was also forced to plug myself into a breast pump 8 times a day from the day after Felix was born, so maybe my milk came in sooner.

I could tell my milk was beginning to come in on Tuesday evening and on Wednesday morning, after another night of very little sleep, I just lay in bed crying. I wanted to stay there all day, try to sleep and cry some more. I was getting ready to give up. I just needed to sleep and then I knew everything would be better, but when breastfeeding, you can't just walk away from the baby for a few hours. Although I was beginning to consider the alternatives so that I could have those precious few hours to recuperate.

You see, the last time I slept properly was a week ago. Then, I spent a night in labour, a night on a labour ward with a new baby who slept, but other people's babies keeping me awake, then it was Elliot's turn to keep me up. And as he doesn't seem to be able to settle in his own bed (only at night, he's fine in the day), he's been in bed with me every night since. You just don't sleep the same when you have the responsibility of keeping a tiny baby safe in your arms. Deep sleep just doesn't happen.

He was still in bed with me last night, but I did finally sleep a little better. Maybe the tiredness got the better of me.

Therefore, even if the 'baby blues' wasn't a given part of having a new baby, I think I'd have been feeling pretty low yesterday.

On top of the lack of sleep, I also have this horrendous pain in my shoulder. I completely forgot about this for a few days (probably due to the quantity of pain relief I was taking) but my shoulder hurt before I went into labour. No idea what I might have done to it but it is, of course, getting much worse now I'm carrying a baby around and tensing up all the time! Even yawning makes it hurt.

And I miss my toddler. Now I'm back home and I'm with him, I still miss him. I miss him being the centre of my world. He seems to have reciprocated my lack of attention which means it's even more difficult for me to spend time with him when I'm available. At least he seems to adore his little brother.

This morning's little outburst of tears was the polar opposite... I lay in bed with my new baby in my arms and my toddler cuddled in next to me and I started blubbing because I'm so fortunate. I have two amazing little boys who I love very much.

I guess I shall just succumb to the emotional roller coaster of the next few days and look forward to everything settling down soon.